The Price of her Past
by Joy Katie
Summary: A look at the emotions that Regina goes through as she pays the price for her past. Based on the S3 mid-season finale. Future chapters will be AU ish and follow from there.


**Just an idea I had when re-watching the Season 3 mid-season finale. Been done to death but inspiration struck so I wrote. Horrendously short but. I hated this and tried to delete it a few times but found I couldn't just in case it turned into something that wasn't massively stupid. Fairly canon.**

 **ALSO - today is my 7 year anniversary of writing and posting on ffn! Celebrate with a review :')**

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The one thing that was certain about Regina Mills was that she was totally and irrevocably confused. Her heart was telling her she was in love with Emma Swan. Her head was telling her that it was impossible. But the more she thought about it… the more she measured her emotions, their communications, their friendship, all signs pointed to love. It wasn't a 'love at first sight' moment with them. It was a feeling that had grown and developed after they had spent a great deal of time together, the one thing they both reassured more than anything being the reason they gave. It was not even necessarily a romantic kind of love. It was one built of trust, of the bond they gained from sharing a child, of being the one person that if it came down to it, she knew she could rely on. Obviously it hadn't always been that way. It would have been true if she'd said she hated Emma Swan when she first came to town, and they'd become tentative friends briefly after the Regina had been cleared of Archie's 'murder'.

Her dislike of Emma had strengthened for a time after her insufferable, insipid ex-step-daughter had killed her mother, she hated her simply by association, but it was short lived. When they had come together, firstly to save Storybrooke and then save the son they shared, they'd become closer. Regina quickly came to think of the sheriff as her closest friend and ally.

Her feelings and emotions had been up in the air during their time in Neverland. Of course the fact that she could not say without a doubt that her son was safe was the main cause of her concern, but that wasn't all she was feeling. Confusion. Pain. Hurt.

Before Neverland, in Storybrooke, the whole situation with Neal had caused her a great deal of turmoil. There was suddenly another parent that could take her son from her. Another person who Henry would prefer over her. Another adult coming between her and one of her only friends. Then he had died and Regina didn't know how she felt. She hated that her son was upset about his father, but with one less person vying for Henry's love and for Emma's attention, she couldn't help but feel a little bit of relief.

When it had been announced that he was alive, when she had seen him with her own eyes, when she had seen the way Emma had been looking at him, she'd had to turn away. She would never admit that it hurt, the fact that he was back. When they'd been in the forest, she only needed to close her eyes to picture her son and her resolve was strengthened. He was her priority, always and she would not let herself get distracted by anything else. At least that is what she told herself, what she made herself believe so she didn't have to focus on anything else.

It remained that way until they got back to the boat. When she knew Henry was safe, she allowed herself time to observe. Emma, Hook and Neal mostly. She knew that Emma and Hook had shared a moment in Neverland and silently cursed, indignant that Emma's sole purpose and goal hadn't been saving Henry. She'd then felt slightly guilty for that, knowing how Emma was feeling and that any moment of happiness to take her mind from the fact that their son had been kidnapped and taken across realms would be a necessity to stop her from losing her mind.

Regina had lost her true love before, she knew what it was like. And she did not want and could not let Emma go through the same thing. She had needed to save Henry, not only for his sake but for Emma's too. The fact that they had been able to save him, that he was unharmed for the most part gave her solace. She allowed herself for a moment to feel happy. She knew it wouldn't last. It never did for the villains.

She had been surprised when they stepped off the boat that the Charmings had included her when discussing the operation. She'd been a little too preoccupied watching Henry and Emma with Neal, not used to the weird feeling it gave her in her chest. She felt like she'd been caught staring when she'd looked up and noticed everyone watching her. The only people she cared about though, Emma and Henry (at least who she thought was Henry) were looking too and they were both smiling. She couldn't admit, even to herself, that that alone made her happy.

When everything had kicked off with Henry and Pan she'd felt conflicted. Emma had warned her that he was not himself, and she'd relished in the idea that Emma was jealous that Henry had chosen her and when the situation had been explained, she felt embarrassed. She had been secretly overjoyed Henry had opted to go with her, and not to stay with his other mother. She had also been more than slightly pissed that Emma had dared question Henry's alliance. It made it all the more distressing when the truth had come out.

She'd been heartbroken more than once in her life. When her mother killed Daniel, when her father died, even when her mother had been taken from her. She would describe the feeling she got when she took hold of the scroll and she saw the sacrifice that would have to be made as something akin to heartbreak. She saw the loss that she would have to suffer to be able to save the person she loved the most and the woman she would not admit she cared about, and it meant saying goodbye. Never seeing them again. Once again, losing the person… the people that had her whole heart.

Regina knew that losing Henry would be the worst thing that could possibly happen to her. But she knew too, that it was necessary. That she had brought it on herself and that she deserved it.

She also knew that, although she would never admit it aloud, the reason she loved the annoying woman in front of her was because she trusted her to look after him. She knew with all her slowly dying heart, that she had picked the one person in the world beside her who would protect Henry with every fibre of her being. That was what made her realise that she would miss Emma too. More than she dared acknowledge.

Once she had regretted her curse. As soon as she'd found Henry, she had let go of the regret. She could never regret something that bought her her son. Later, when Emma had arrived, she had been angry, it wasn't part of her plan. When they became close and Regina saw what the curse had done to the blonde, her anger turned to remorse and she began to allow herself to feel regret once more, regret that she had been so broken by her mother, by her choices, by her selfishness, that she had ruined to many lives. The one consolation, the only thing that would allow her comfort was that Henry was adored and cherished by so many, and without her selfishness, first with the curse, but also with her inability to allow herself to be proved wrong when she first adopted him, they would all be missing the light in their lives that was Henry.

Fury was an emotion she didn't expect to feel when she was saying goodbye to her son and her friend. It was not at the saviour, it was at her parents. The way they had monopolised the situation, the way they had made it all about how they were losing their daughter and their grandson, as if they had any claim to the child she had raised for over a decade. They didn't deserve him, and they definitely did not deserve her and she knew if she wasn't trying to keep her emotions in check for Henry's sake, she would have been making her feelings clear.

Henry was her family. Not theirs.

And Emma…

Emma was her family too. They had lost the right to call Emma their daughter when they banished her to another realm to live out life alone. She couldn't even feel guilty for her own part in that, because, yes, it got her Henry, but also… they had another option.

She could not get on board with them arguing that they did it to give her 'her best chance'. It was an excuse, a poor one, and she would not allow them to utter it in her presence again.

The behaviour of the Charmings, Snow in particular was making Regina very irate. She could not stop herself from rolling her eyes at her speech about happy endings. Of course she could talk about happy endings, as the only party involved who actually had one. Who actually had the chance at one, because she sure didn't. And instantly… her fury turned to loneliness.

Snow and David began preaching about families, belief and hope. The growing aching feeling that Regina had in her gut grew as she looked at the almost-tears on Emma's face, and she tried to smile, tried to make a joke to make the woman smile, but she was unable to stop the cracking of her voice as she fought back tears. Why was this so hard? Why did she care so much that she would never see Emma again? Yes, it meant that she would never see Henry again, but it was so much more than that.

It was not a choice they were facing. It was an order. She didn't understand the feeling that she got when Emma brokenly agreed with her, that they _had_ to leave. She and Emma were friends at best, the blonde was tentatively close to her parents and she had the so far unwanted (she hoped) attentions of the pirate and the thief. So she couldn't explain why Emma looked more upset with losing Regina than she did her long lost family. Clearly her grief was causing delusions now.

Emma and Henry had gone to pack whatever belongings they were allowed to take with them and Regina had used the time to lament. They didn't have much time. They had to get to the town line before the curse overtook them. They had to say quick goodbyes. Regina knew this is a moment she would remember forever. She cursed whatever gods that may exist for making it a time crucial matter. She could spend forever with Henry, and a great deal of time with Emma, and it would never be long enough to say goodbye.

Regina watched as Henry hugged his grandparents, breaking away after a few seconds to come to her. She was holding on. She was trying to be strong for him, but it was hard. Especially when he blamed himself for all that was ongoing. Even his admission that he shouldn't have gone looking for the blonde, that he should have stayed with her, where they could have been together, it didn't make her feel any better. It couldn't, because then she wouldn't have Emma in her life.

Something she didn't expect to feel when she was doing the equivalent of taking out her heart and sending it away, forever, was acceptance. Somehow though, it was the feeling that settled her stomach as she was comforting her son for what would be the last time. She had known from the beginning that villains didn't get happy endings. For a while she had allowed herself to hope, but now that time was over.

Her attention was pulled from her son as he went to say goodbye to his father, when she saw Emma move away from the crowd. She tried not to cringe as she was approached by Hook. She saw the looks that were being shared between the two and the pain that it caused… she welcomed it. She was right about Snow and Charming. They didn't deserve Emma. Hook didn't either. But nor did she. It was something that she accepted, alongside her not being deserving of Henry. And the discomfort that she felt when she realised her happiness would be found with another… that was what she did deserve.

There was no way she could put all her feelings in to words. She wouldn't do that to Henry, even with him surely forgetting her words within the next five minutes, she would not let him live with the pain that she was feeling. And the words she wanted to say to Emma… they were private. Not to be spoken in front of her parents and love interests… Instead she knew a way to put all her feelings, all her emotions, into something that no one else would see or hear. She approached her friend, she saw the tears in her eyes, heard the hurt in her voice and saw the confusion on her face when she regretfully informed her she actually had no idea what was going to happen to them. Her heart knew they would be safe. Her head had no idea how.

All she could do was make sure Emma and Henry got what they deserved. A happy ending. That would be what would keep her going, going forward. Nothing could stop her from taking Emma's hand, and she could not stop the shiver she felt as she held it in both of hers. She smiled through her tears as she tried to explain her last possible good deed, as she tried to make them both see that had things been different, she would have been worthy of them… She promised them the only thing she could. It allowed her breaking heart to feel just a tiny bit of pride.

The sense of foreboding caused her to look between the two, glancing back and forth as she took a breath. It was time for them to go. She couldn't risk their happiness by keeping them any longer. She was cold not from the weather, but the situation, and the hug from Henry provided her with a slither of warmth. This was it. It had to be now. They had to go and she could no longer hold back her tears as she ripped the scroll that had caused all this in the first place.

As she watched them get into the car begin to drive off… she was numb.

She had been in so much pain. She'd said goodbye. And so Regina did the only thing she could. She watched them go and paid the price of her past.

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 **This may be continued in a couple of days when I have re-watched the rest of season 3 and can draw inspiration from it. Then again, maybe it won't. If it is, it will be AU from here.**

 **I need honest opinions on this. I did get inspired and then wrote it over the space of a few hours. I did edit some of it so it's better than the first draft I wrote but not much. I just didn't want to delete it when I'd been so excited to write it.**


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